After taking a long hiatus due to no racing, training or anything but being pregnant and having a baby I decided it’s time to write again. This sleep deprived brain has forgotten things you should never forget that I realized I want to have it down so I can remember it in the future rather than forget it all a few seconds later!
Baby...I never knew the words “mothers guilt” but now it’s two words that are in my mind continually. Have I been away too much, enough tummy time, am I holding him too much, not enough and the list goes on and on. My brain actually feels like it could explode at a moments notice.
I always thought babies just slept and ate which I’m sure some do but not my baby, 30 minute naps every few hours is what I’ve had since he was born. I never realized how tired I could possibly feel but still need to function and keep going. It’s almost torture at times. Now that I’m back to work I feel like a duck most days...calm on top and paddling like hell below water. I literally do hot laps around my house before I leave finding lunch, pump parts, pump bag, laptop, gym bag (which I don’t know why I bother packing), did Gunnar get his vitamins, have I? I made a checklist of things to go over which seems to help a lot. Mostly I now remember the cooler my milk goes in so I can stop putting it in “incognito” items in the company fridge so that’s good.
Since I’ve been back to work I realized I’m that woman I judged pre-kids. I pictured myself having healthy frozen meals that I just slip in ever so effortlessly when I came home, I would be training like a mad woman again in no time, my days would be budgeted perfectly so the cleaning, loving, and life maintenance could all be done. NOT! What is dinner? Or working out? Cleaning lady- thank you! And on and on and on.
I’ve recently started traveling for work and many times I think to myself, is this really happening?? Like pumping on a plane with my boss two feet away...awkward! Or pumping in the airport bathroom with a woman taking a giant poop in the next stall over, it’s happened! My outfits used to be carefully selected, hair done, manicure completed all to look my best for a specific meeting. This week I found myself sitting in the corporate J.Crew lobby about to throw up with nerves; as I make my way to the bathroom and look in the mirror I realize my roots are practically down to my ears, my muffin top is slightly exposed and my nails are all different lengths...great. Is this really happening?
A few things I understand 4 months into being a mom. 1.) there is nothing better 2.) there is nothing harder 3.) never judge another mom for anything. (I’m talking who cares if there ears/toes/fingers are covered, breast/formula, tantrum city, dirty looking kids etc. I no longer look at those moms and judge I just hold my breath and wonder how long until I’m there. 4.) God really loves me. It’s true and I feel it. It’s the only thing that holds me together most days. If he loves me half as much as I love Gunnar nothing out of his control is going to happen. Sometimes when I’m trying to give Gunnar his vitamins or medicine and he just screams and gets pissed I think of how often God is probably trying to help me but I’m too busy kicking and screaming to see it. I’m working on it and God is working on me and I like it.